Exactly a year ago I came here to Newcomers’ gethsemane wearing very thick eyeliner. I came into college expecting to find the love of my life, to find out who I am, and to learn to be the best I could be. I wanted to study and to succeed, to party and to play hard.
I met a girl named Annie at church right before the zero week started. She eventually became my Soonjang (Discipler). She told me to check out the ministry, but instead that night I went to a Frat party. I was a Christian, but at the same time, I was also curious of what college life could offer me. I knew God, but I was willing to compromise some parts of my life to experience more of this world.
I bought crop tops and scandalous shorts. But my expectations were shattered at the party. It was just.. boring. People were smoking and drinking, and I stood there awkwardly, hating every moment of it. I longed to go home, and I missed the group of people I had seen at church. So when Annie invited me to the morning prayer that took place every morning, I gladly went. But I was confused too. Morning prayer? On campus? To see students gather when the campus was still asleep, and to see them waking up the campus with praise songs shocked me. I was used to going to morning prayers before college, but I had never seen such a passionate group of
young adults praising God in the morning. They were interceding for the campus, crying out for students to know the LORD. Praise songs were ringing through the campus. I stood in awe of the passion that they had for the LORD. At that morning prayer, I decided that this is where I wanted to be: where people really actually pray. That’s how I joined the ministry, and to this day morning prayer is my favorite KCCC event. As I mentioned earlier, I was wearing very thick eyeliner when I entered college. I didn’t realize it at the time but I was extremely insecure of my appearance. My face broke out like no other, and each day my foundation was getting thicker in my effort to hide bright red pimples everywhere on my face. My eyeliner was getting longer and thicker daily as I unconsciously sought to look intimidating so that no one could look down on me. Sometimes when I casually talked to people, I would stop and wonder if they were looking at my pimples. I thought: if there was one thing I couldn’t give up for God, it would be make up. Just thinking about my life without make up devastated me.
But God doesn’t like to see anything getting in the way between you and God. He has to be first. So everyday the conviction to give up make up became stronger. Finally, I talked to my Soonjang about it. Surprisingly, she told me that she had done a make up fast before for one year. With her support and encouragement, I immediately started the make up fast. I expected it to be two weeks long max, but she told me no. It would be until the end of the year. I had more than three months left until the end of the year, so the next few weeks I was miserable but happy. I was scared to see anyone, but my face felt light, and God was teaching me to accept
myself. I hated looking in the mirror, but He was teaching me and speaking to me at random moments. I never felt so close to God. He was working in the midst of my insecurities, telling me that the way He viewed me was so much more important than the way other people viewed me.
Towards the end of the year, I forgot how I looked like with make up. And it would not have been possible without my soonjang, who was with me everyday through the journey. But God wanted more from me than just prioritizing God before the opinions of other people. He wanted to be my everything. He called me to summer missions in Mongolia. To raise thousands of dollars to go to Mongolia seemed almost ridiculous, but God faithfully provided and showed me His glory. Every step I took was in God’s grace and through missions I realized, heck, I can’t do anything on my own. Seeing God’s perfect plan being carried out during missions humbled me. It hit me that I wasn’t in Mongolia because I’m so great but because God included me in His
great plan so He could show me more of His love. I learned everything is God’s and everything that I have is given by God. God is sovereign. Because everything is given by God to begin with, I own nothing. My life does not belong to me, but to Christ. My day is not my own, and my year is not my own. Once I realized that, I saw that I had nothing to lose.
I was a Christian before I entered college, and I did love him. However, I did not know what it meant to walk with Him daily, and I did not know my every day belonged to Christ. I didn’t understand how you could serve the LORD with such zeal when you were in college, when you should be busy investing in yourself.
Before college, I didn’t understand but now He gives me purpose.
Through the ministry, God showed me that He is worth. Not just some parts of my life, but my entire life. Now when He asks “whom shall I send?” I can answer Him “Here am I! Send me.”